35 left

In 35 days I'll be in the Philippines. Yikesabee! I can't believe it's almost here. I'm excited and anxious. Lately at night, I'm restless, recalling the things I should be doing instead of sleeping. Though this may sound productive in some twisted sense, it doesn't help with the energy needed the next day in completing tasks.
This past weekend we took some time to be together, to bond and dream about what lies ahead. It was a sweet time of delighting in one another, laughing, and recalling the unique attributes each of us brings to the table. I'll admit I was encouraged. It's a little funny to me to recognize that even after all these years together there are some central qualities and truly captivating details that we haven't cultured completely. These characteristics and newfound desires should be noted if not considered fully within our relationships.
This weekend further compounded in me an appreciation and celebration for my community. We are in no way lacking joy, but often these moments are disbursed among hardships or interwoven so that we experience both simultaneously. This weekend, however was completely peaceful, reflective, and all around fun. I loved it!
One of the things that really stood out to me was a discussion we had on the gospel and our tendency to waltz around the idea with the people we know, ultimately leaving out the good news itself. This, opposed to honing in on the centrality of the gospel story, the work of Christ Himself. I recognize I'm often satisfied with the mere mention of Christ, shying away from the truth that God loves my friends more than I do, that He died for them. It's hard to accept my weakness in this. We shouldn't be ashamed. Mostly I don't want to believe that I am but as if to send out a town crier, my selfishness announces it's own spotlight, proclaiming "see me, validate me, know that I'm ok, accept me and then accept the gospel." My actions shout that the gospel can't stand on it's own. Who am I to say this?
I felt sad for the wasted moments, realizing now I'm lacking time. I want to use the next moments wisely calling my dear friends to see the truth, that Jesus loves them. I felt humbled to stop and see my ability or lack there of in showing what is nonetheless good news with people around me.
It's easy to imagine being a light in an unfamiliar place like the Philippines, one without the pressures of my everchanging native culture. It's even romantic in a way. But in the thick of this adventure, I must not forget that God has placed me in Tampa to be an expression of His love. Thus while in the Philippines I long to learn how to make that happen better, to love more deeply, to reflect Christ more and in simple terms be different than I am right now. I know this is an extreme goal.
So why travel so far to affect my interactions with what is right before my eyes? I'm not sure I have the answer completely. I believe God is calling me to Manila to teach me something outside this present context. Perhaps a teaching very central to Philippine culture, yet different than a western mindset. Mostly this is yet to be discovered but even now I am newly aware of the value placed on relationships in Southeast Asia rather than on constant doing and I'm eager to see that lived out. I'm also captivated by the strength we sensed among the women when visiting initially and I hope to learn more about them.
On a personal note I am curious to know my idenity when all of what I use to define myself currently is stripped away. This both frightens and intriques me. Is it possible to be defined by God and others in a way I never imagined?